Issue #17: A Day in the Life From the Health Nut's Playbook

The healthy lifestyle you always wanted, but couldn't afford.

Today’s issue is a satire piece, inspired by LEV Daily Workout Group. Written by Anton and edited by Jeff Benson.

Here in Machuca Valley, we treat health like it’s the new gold rush. Everyone is digging for that better life, and by better, I mean juicing celery like it’s our job. But amidst the jungle of fitness coaches, nutritionists, and folks who claim they can heal you with their thoughts, it’s hard to figure out what works.

Luckily for you, I’ve actually cracked the code and have developed a routine that nurtures body, mind, and spirit — no subscription to my YouTube channel required. If you follow my regimen, results will show so fast you might need a speed camera. Here’s the rundown:

5 am - Wake up, but don’t get up. Stay in bed for maybe an hour, just ruminating on your yesterday and going over all the things you could’ve done better. It helps if you come back to the same situation over and over. Replay the situation, but now fantasize a wittier response, one where you come out smarter and funnier. Perhaps play out a superhero scenario where you actually saved a life by honking loudly at that old lady in a Suzuki in front of you because she was driving too slow. If you hadn't hurried her up, a large truck would've run her car over, and you were just being guided by the invisible hand of the universe to prevent that.

6 am - Get up and grab your phone. Ideally, you want to go straight to the news, even better if you have a few conspiracy-oriented channels — you need a quick reminder that the world is about to end to provide the needed motivation for the day. Always remember "They" are in charge and "They" are plotting the next phase of total world domination; trust no one; prepare for the apocalypse; check in on those tomatoes ‘cause they aren't gonna water themselves; and if you got someone watering them for you, they won't be around when apocalypse hits.

7 am - Journaling, or as I like to call it, “FU Journaling.” Gratitude is great too, but let's face it: It does nothing to release the anger. I like to pick a few people I dislike and write down all the things that are wrong with them and all the bad things I wish upon them. Sometimes it's hard to find people you dislike. Luckily, we have group chats for that. Pick one, find someone with a strong opinion— chances are you'll disagree with them. Now unleash your creative powers!

8 am - Shower, but only if it's Monday. Remember: A strong aura protects you from others, and daily showers cleanse it away. You want a good three- to four-foot barrier, which will also help with those excessive huggers.

8:30 am - Exercise! Open up the fridge. It's been closed for a good 10 hours, so the seal is strong, and that first morning pull is usually the toughest one. The mistake I see people make here over and over is either using the same hand every day, which results in an asymmetrical body, or using only the triceps to open the fridge. Remember: This is a full-body workout in one pull, so extend the arm, tighten the whole body, and lean back. (Sub-Zero fridge required.)

9:00 am - Breakfast! The most important meal of the day, and don't let the intermittently hungry people tell you otherwise. Go back in history and think about which breakfast passed the test of time. Which "fad" went beyond the initial hype cycle and sustained itself to this day? That's right: carbs and sugar, baby! Bread with Nutella is a  great choice. Obviously coffee. If you have yesterday’s pizza, that's good too. Waffles and syrup? Of course! Just think about it — look at the shape of your teeth and notice how each tooth neatly fits into those little waffle squares; we obviously were evolved for those waffles.

9:30 am - Supplement time! No I'm not talking about magnesium, B12, vitamin D, or fish oil. What are we, middle America? I think not! I'm talking serious supplements. You should have at least these bottles on your daily shelf: adrenal cortex, ashwagandha, triphala, cordyceps, acerola, quercetin, bromelain, and Visbiome, in addition to the standard stuff. Do they work? Not as far as improving your health, no. But will they make your visiting friends feel completely inadequate and jealous of your superior health consciousness? 100%!

10:00 am - Start your day. Avoid movement as much as possible. Ideally, just sit at your computer most of the day. Have a bag of chips on the desk for frequent snacking, maybe even an onion dip to keep things interesting. Your body may ache. That's totally normal — you're asking it to do a new activity, so it takes time to adjust.

6:00 pm - Grab a beer or two, then try to see how long you can scroll through Insta reels before you get a headache. Be gentle on yourself, though: It takes time to build up that stamina. Try to go a minute longer than the previous day. You'll be surprised how quickly you can get up to an hour or so. The AI algo will show you workout videos or a "Cashews and Dates Chocolate Mousse" thing, so just keep clicking “uninterested”, or scroll quickly past them. The algo will learn quickly and adjust.

8:00 pm - Netflix and chill. This is it, the grand finale. Look back at your day, just look at it. How much closer did you get toward achieving your goals? How many meaningful interactions did you have today? How many lives have you impacted? When looking back at today from your death bed, will you look at this day and say, "Yes!, I've lived my life to the fullest!"? Let me give you a hint: None, Zero, No, and Nada. Now is your chance to make it all right, the last hoorah before the day ends and you get to do it all over again tomorrow! Let Netflix fill that void. 

I know this may sound a bit woo-woo, but there is real science behind this routine!  I'll pull up the research later, right after I finish my waffles and beer.